Knox Thoughts - A place for open discussion

The Theory and Performance Class has decided to research the issues of sexual assault and responsibility on the Knox Campus with the intention of filtering the anonymous research through a creative lens. Part of that process involves gathering perspectives and opinions from the students and faculty at Knox that have been generated about these issues. The goal is to get an idea of what the college is feeling and thinking about sexual assault and responsibility and to respond to that through a theatrical production.

To this end, we are inviting anyone on campus to respond to a few questions provided in this forum. We encourage you to add your own topics for discussion. To do this simply select click on the "Click Here for All Questions" link and then "Add new thread."

This forum is completely anonymous (you need not "log in"). Please respect the opinions and feelings of others in responding to comments.

This is an ANONYMOUS forum. Please DO NOT use a username that identifies yourself


#1

Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:58 am
by KnoxThoughts • 12 Posts

If so, have you found it helpful in drawing sexual boundaries with your partners?

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#2

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:41 am
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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What is this enthusiasm thing? I always mean it when I say either yes or no, if that's what this is about.

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#3

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:18 am
by Petrus
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I'm going to interpret your question as: Do you ALWAYS say either the word "yes" or the word "no" when you have a sexual encounter? To which my response is: Yes. I spent entirely too long in a relationship where my partner never asked and I never said anything, even when the answer was "no," and I now make it a point to ask even when I think the answer's obvious.

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#4

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:39 am
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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I love the idea of enthusiastic consent. If both people don't seem enthusiastic (about wanting to kiss each other, touch each other, etc.), then someone ought to ask "Would it be ok if I ___?" If both people are into the sexual activity, questions like that are sexy.

Although theoretically I love it, it's hard for me to go the other way and say no. I sometimes do sexual things that I don't feel much like doing, even at the time, just to avoid upsetting the other person. Sometimes I do it out of fear. For example, one time a friend drove me out to a restaurant, and started kissing me in his car. I worried that if I didn't do what he wanted, he wouldn't drive me back home.

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#5

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:40 pm
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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I'd sure like to, but I can't say I do this every time. I absolutely practice enthusiastic "no" - there have been a few circumstances I found myself in where I knew I was uncomfortable, and I knew if I wasn't clear, things would get progressively more uncomfortable until I ended up regretting whatever happened. I'm less good about enthusiastic "yes". When asked whether I'd like to have sex, sometimes I'm not 100% enthusiastic about it but say 'yes' anyway because it's with a partner with whom I'm comfortable and I know I'll be excited about it by a few minutes in. Once in a while I don't really want to but know it would be fun for my partner, and almost every time it also becomes fun for me, too.

I very rarely verbally ask whether my partner would like to have sex. I like to think I ask by being gentle, by taking time, by listening to their body signals. Perhaps I should ask every time. But is this absolutely necessary in an established relationship in which sex is frequent? Or in a circumstance like that, is it the responsibility of my partner to say that they wish to deviate from "our usual" by saying, without my prompting, that they don't want to.

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#6

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:07 pm
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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Always. I've been with a few people who are a little skittish, and I'm slightly paranoid of hurting them or doing anything they don't want, so I tend to ask consent for just about everything. Plus, it's way more fun if everyone involved is very vocally enjoying themselves.

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#7

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:38 pm
by mapleleaf
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I'm in a longterm relationship where we have worked out quietly enthusiastic yesses and quietly direct and respectful nos, as the baseline for sexual intimacy. Sometimes the yesses are enthusiastic, and the genuineness of variation is vital to the relationship. I cannot imagine an enthusiastic no being anything but hurtful. But a direct and honest no is always fair.

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#8

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:29 pm
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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I do practice enthusiastic yes and no. I'm comfortable with talking during sex. I mean, if you're not comfortable talking to the person you are about to have sex with, you should really reconsider (being nervous is one thing... but it's okay to communicate that with them).
There have been times when I've said no many times and they still persisted, later on they claimed it was consensual... do not try to engage in sex under the influence.

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#9

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Sat Oct 23, 2010 3:24 pm
by College Girl
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My current partner and I do practice enthusiastic consent. Even though we have beemn together for over a year, we never assume that sex is ok. One of us will bring it up and see if the other one picks up the idea, and we move from there.

My partner disclosed a sexual assault to me before we began dating, so from the beginning, I made sure to let them take the lead in making decisions with what was ok, and after we had boundaries figured out, we both made a practice of checking in. Even when I know my partner likes something, if they are quiet, or seem to not be enjoying themself as much as possible, I ask. This doesn't mean I have to completely stop either (unless my partner tells me to). It is a way I show how much they mean to me. It is a way of showing respect. And my partner does the same for me, and it is wonderful.

I would like to see this discussed more because it has helped me have very satisfying sex, and it helps avoid the possibility of sexual assault .Every person who is sexually active deserves that.

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#10

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:11 pm
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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It's the idea that no one should ever assume that it is okay to initiate sex. You should ask your partner and received a clear and definite "yes" or a clear and definite "no." Basically it's about eliminating the ambiguity in consent

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#11

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:03 am
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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"College Girl" I'm glad to hear this that you and your partner still check in and don't assume sex is always okay. I as well have been sexually assaulted and my partner AND myself still check in with the other before having sex, and it is satisfying and wonderful.

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#12

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:11 am
by No name specified • ( Guest )
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Never more than with my current boyfriend. Honestly, with previous boyfriends, they never really asked after the first time they tried something, and I can say that this is a million times better. We both check in with each other if it seems like something's not 100% right, and it really makes me feel like he loves me and cares about me. It also keeps the communication really open. Since he asks pretty much every time, I feel safe not just saying "no", but also telling him why, and never embarrassed, which is a first.

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#13

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:06 am
by Dude
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This is a tough one. I am a male, and believe it or not, I have had some partners that like to have sex more than me. Sometimes I agree to have sex just because deep in my mind I feel that I will send a wrong impression that something is wrong with the relationship. Whenever I do say no, there are no questions, but there are hurts feelings and also I feel worse than if I give in.

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#14

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:43 pm
by Enthusiastic
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Of course. Saying either "yes" or "no" to ANY thing before or during the sex act is important to avoid unintentional rape. (Also it makes sex much much much better!)

The idea behind the strong "Yes" or "No" is communication. When you're communicating with your partner it doesn't have to revolve around consent of sex in general (although that should be the FIRST thing asked "do you want to have sex?" or "I have some limits you can't cross during this...") but also different things should be asked DURING the act. Example: different positions should be consented to "do you want to try this?", fetishes "I really like this, would you mind trying it?" etc.

In general, yes it makes sex WAY better, and avoids unintentional rape, but it also, it adds a new dimension to sexual assault or rape. The general definition of rape does not include "The types of unwanted sexual acts involved, the types of force or the coercion used, and the ages of victims and perpetrators" ( http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/sa.shtml )

So with the idea of an enthusiastic "yes" or "no" for ANY part of the sex act, from foreplay to any form of penetration (oral, anal, vaginal), will protect both parties from feeling abused or becoming the unintended abuser. Also, it will help avoid the "regrettable sexual experiences" another forum was talking about.

So yes I practice enthusiastic "yes" and "no", and I've had no bad experiences or regrets since I've started. Now its just habit. I hope this helps some other people out there.

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#15

RE: Do you practice the enthusiastic “yes” or “no” in your sexual encounters?

in Click Here For All Questions Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
by swimmer
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no.

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